Sunday, October 9, 2011
Pain.
I hurt everyone I've ever met. The people I hate to hurt I end up tearing apart. How do I keep going like this? How can I keep going knowing that I'm just going to hurt people. I'm in a suicide prevention club and every single DAY I drive someone to the edge! Even the person I would kill myself for. I don't deserve forgiveness, and I don't deserve your kindness. For all of you that have shown me even the slightest bit of it, thank you. But tomorrow I'm going to have my mouth stitched shut from the inside. Maybe if I disappear I can stop hurting people. For those of you who hate me? Congrats. You win. Just keep the insults coming. I'm ready. Someday you'll regret it. Someday you'll be face down in the dirt with a knife in your back with no one to turn to but me, and I'll be there. I'll take your shit, your insults, your drama. I'll bottle them all up inside and then someday I'll just... Explode. I've come to terms with this one single fact. I hate myself and everything I am. When you're old and wrinkled and you come to see me don't expect me to be there. I'll be 6 feet underground with the rope still around my neck.
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Alright, this is bringing up too much of my past and for the first time in a long time I can't handle it. So, I've decided to give a short list of all the things this post has made me do =)
ReplyDelete1. Not say a word to anyone for 14 hours
2. Sit in deep thought for nearly 22 hours (I don't see it ending any time soon)
3. Not accomplish anything at all for 20 hours
4. Cry exactly 3 tears
5. Punch a wall.
6. Almost cut just to figure out what about it I found appealing.
7. Shut the entire world out for 16 hours
8. Slightly OD on painkillers + listen to white noise for 2 hours just to fall asleep
9. Lose my cool for the first time in 2 years
10. Make me feel sad for the first time in a year
This was a very powerful and moving piece of writing. I'm not sure if it's just because I've been in this exact same place or not but it made me feel emotion for the first time in a long time, and I'm glad. It proves that I'm not completely dead inside and can still feel. Thank you, Autumn =')