Wondering

I wonder if you still see this
I wonder if you dream about me
I wonder if your heart beats faster
When your mind makes you think about me
I wonder if everything was worth it
I wonder if we'll ever be the same
I wonder if we can go back
Back to when life was just a game
I wonder if losing was worth it
I wonder if tears are your gain
I wonder if there's something you wanted
Will I ever escape this pain
I wonder if you meant to confuse me
I wonder if you're living your fairytale
I wonder if you're happy now
That my heart is full of nails
I wonder what you dream about
I wonder what you see
I wonder what the world is like
Living in a world without me
I wonder what you lied about
I wonder what you told your friends
I wonder what made life so hard
Is this a life that never ends?
I wish you knew
I wish you saw
I wish you felt the way I feel
I wish you knew
what you did to me.

You would think that I'd be used to it by now. Hearing a song that reminds me of you, and crying because it hurts so much... But I'm not. You would think that I'd be used to the way it feels to be left behind by people I thought loved me. It seems to happen every day now. That it would get easier to hold back my tears in the dead of night.. When nobody would notice. I guess it works.. The dead of night, I mean. Because they don't notice...Nobody does...Oh well, I guess. It's just another day to me... And the fact that the time is passing so quickly scares me. I don't know what to do about... Anything. I don't know how to Be older... To be an adult and have responsibilities, and... I'm terrified of messing it up.Not that that's new to me either. I mess shit up all the time. But the fact that I didn't do anything wrong and I still managed to hurt myself... 

Wake up.
Shower in water so hot it burns.
Brush hair.
Get dressed.
Do makeup.
Go to school.
Eat through 1st 4 periods.
Eat lunch.
Don't talk.
Que depression.
Hide it.
Laugh my way through 5th, 6th, and 7th.
Ride bus home.
Get made fun of by sister.
Get home.
Brush hair.
Hide tears.
Get yelled at for something stupid.
See boyfriend (maybe)
for a moment.. Everything's okay.
Get home.
Skip dinner.
Realize everything bad about self.
Strip naked and crawl into bed.
Cry myself to sleep....
Wake up.

Dear Laura.

I know it's hard sometimes. I know I keep promising to always be there for you, and I keep my promise. Every time you cut I'm there, I understand, I hold you when you cry, I make you happy (or try to). But.. When you don't need me anymore, I become invisible. In the mornings I wait to see you walk through the door, but you ignore me anyway. When we're at lunch, I sit at the end of the table, alone, and you still don't talk to me. No one does. I know that you have your own shit going on. I know your dad is an alcoholic, and he's rude and sometimes abusive. I know that you don't always feel loved and you feel like your siblings hate you, and that sometimes you feel like you have no one to live for. I know you cut almost every night, and burn sometimes, and have attempted suicide a few times. But let me tell you some secrets.

My psychiatrist almost called child protective services on my dad, because he drinks so much that he doesn't know me anymore. My dad and I used to be best friends, and now he barely even talks to me. He allows my sister to mock me, call me a whore, and verbally abuse me to the point of almost cutting, and even joins in sometimes. He has never been proud of me, and he's hit me 3 times.

My step-mom is a neat freak, and likes to walk into my room and make fun of me. Her dog is more important to her than my sister and I will ever be. We weren't even invited to her wedding to my dad.

My younger sister judges me for everything I am. I feel like I have to live up to her expectations, because she's perfect. She has straight A's, perfect looks, and a few really close friends that she wouldn't give up for anything. I am forced every day to try harder because she is setting standards for me that I can't meet. She verbally and emotionally abuses me. She likes to accuse me of being "overly dramatic", and "bitchy", "rude", "disgusting", "fat", a "shithead", and many other things. She doesn't stop when she knows it hurts, and she doesn't realize that the only reason she hasn't been hurt by my dad is because I took the fall for her when she did something stupid.

I don't see a counselor, or a psychiatrist, or a therapist, or someone else. I found out the other day that I see a Psychotherapist. She is one of the best friends I've ever had, and doesn't judge me when I tell her things.

I rely on my boyfriend for more than just comfort. He is one of two people who offer me life support. He doesn't always know what to say, but somehow he always makes me feel better. In his arms I feel untouchable, and when I leave them I'm afraid of everything. I cling to him. He is the only person in my whole life who has ever said "I'm proud of you." directly to me. He is the only person who knows about my disgusting addiction, and I don't know what I would do without him. He never once has compared me to my sister in any way. Sometimes I feel like he is the only person who knows I exist. 

You, even though you say I'm your best friend and you don't know what you would do if I wasn't here, you still ignore me. I was having a horrid day and the only thing you said to me all day was "can I have some?" and you took my food and ignored me the rest of the day. You say that you check everyone's wrists, because you don't want them going through what you are. Too bad you didn't check mine. I know for a fact you never have, because I write things into my skin that I've started to believe are true.

I feel like I don't belong anywhere. Not even The Movement feels right to me anymore.

But I don't blame you. I'm used to being invisible. It's okay. Just lately it's been hurting a lot more than it should.

Fuck. (Tons of swearing.)

I HAVE TWO FUCKING MONTHS TO MOVE.
It's not fucking fair.
I'm happy here god damn it! This room is MINE. It's got MY candles and my satanic shit and my fucking artwork in it. My house, my room. It was only on the god damn market for 2 FUCKING WEEKS, and now we have 2 months to move. I like my god damn house. It's perfect. It actually feels like a fucking home, unlike my other house, which feels like I'm living in a god damn hotel all the fucking time. I already fucking moved once in the last year I don't need to fucking move again. This is wayy too much for me..
I feel fucking invisible.
The only person I have is my boyfriend and I love him I just feel like I'm putting my problems on him and expecting him to fix all of them and that's just not right, you know?
I also have Eric but I don't want to complain to him all the time, he has his own problems to deal with and he doesn't need mine on top of them.
I have the Movement but it's not like they really notice when anything is wrong either because I have such a good act.
My grades are gonna go to shit.
This is so much.... I don't even know how or even WANT to begin to deal with this.

Shitty Poem.

Don't look at me and shy away
Like I'm a piece of trash on the road
or a cockroach on the floor.
Don't look at me and roll your eyes
and pretend that I can't see you,
or that I don't know what you mean.
Don't laugh at me,
thinking I don't know it's me you're laughing at,
thinking I mean nothing to anyone.
Don't just walk away from me,
when I have a question,
and need an answer that just might save my life.
Don't disregard the scars on my wrist
as a way to get attention
because they aren't.
Don't ignore this Shitty Poem
because this might be my last chance
to convince you that I'm here.
Don't be one of those people who assumes things about me
just because I like the color black
and wear a lot of makeup,
and glare a lot.
Get to know me,
maybe you'll learn something.

Rant. Again.

I'm kind of bored of life right now. Everyone comes to me with the same drama, the same pains, the same everything. Not that I mind helping people out, I LOVE helping people out. But when I hear the same thing over and over again or I get 5 pages of text that consist of "I'm lonely find me someone to love" it kind of gets a little old. Now, keep in mind that I don't mean to sound insensitive and I don't mean to sound like I don't care because I do. But come ON, guys! We all go through that phase at one point in our lives, and it's time to start sucking it up. 


Another thing. The other day I went to something that wasn't what I wanted it to be. It was supposed to be an innocent gathering of friends, yes? NOPE. Everyone, besides me and one other person, got drunk off of rum. I know it's fun and all, and I'm not saying getting drunk is a bad thing, but all these people know how I feel about drinking and know full well that I don't like being in that kind of an environment. I almost regret even going in the first place, and I would fully except for the fact that while there I connected with someone I hadn't before and he cleared up a lot of things that had been clouding my mind recently, including some things that have to do with my current relationship (which I seem to be fucking up more and more, and I don't know how much longer he can put up with me, and it would suck donkey nuts if we broke up because I love him more than myself). It has become painfully obvious to me that things are changing.


I've become sort of a bitch recently, as you all can see, and I'm not liking it. Maybe it's depression or maybe it's stress or maybe it's just all the random shit that goes through my head, but I've become someone I hate being, and I really don't want to change. With this new bitchy personality of mine I've lost a couple friends and gained more self confidence, and I'm not being weighed down by everyone else's petty drama. I've been saying a lot of things and maybe even doing a lot of things that I instantly regret, but I'm finding it more and more simple to just forget I did them. Along the lines of school, my grades have plummeted once again, I am now failing two classes. I've connected this to the fact that my life is constantly changing, moving and marriage and more moving and fighting with friends. The one constant place I have right now is my boyfriend's house, and I have a feeling that his parents and my parents both are getting tired of me being there all the time. 


It's times like right now that I realize what I've been doing to myself lately, and it isn't good, to say the least. I haven't been eating right, or sleeping right (I wake up every night sometime between 2 and 3:30 in the morning and stay up until at least an hour after without fail), I shower every three days now because I don't even care that much anymore, and the one thing that has stayed constant throughout all this is suddenly faltering a little. I'm bottling everything up inside and not really telling people what's bothering me because there are worse things in the world than a bitchy sister and a life that feels like it's being tossed around in a treasure chest full of thorns. I don't know who to go to for help with all this for an outside opinion, because I want someone who won't WORRY about me. I like it when people notice but honestly when people are constantly worried about  me it kind of gets on my nerves. I want someone to tell me how to fix it without caring what happens to me or my relationships, someone who doesn't know how my mind works or what I'm doing at school or at home and someone who won't freak out if I tell them I'm done living. To put it quite simply, I need someone who doesn't give a flying fuck about me.


So this is the conclusion to my rant. With one last final thought I close my laptop and go to bed. Whenever I have a mental breakdown around my boyfriend I don't want him to see. This is what my  mind does. "Just a little bit longer and then he'll be gone, you just have to hold on a little while longer." However, as soon as he's gone, my mind reverses directions completely and starts screaming, "I want him back here so bad.. I just need to curl up in his arms and everything will be fine." Instead I resort to plan b. Drugging myself up so that I can fall asleep. 2-3 sleeping pills and a glass of water, no food. Perhaps I'm not destroying everything around me so much as destroying myself instead in the hopes that everything will go back to normal.