Rant. Again.

I'm kind of bored of life right now. Everyone comes to me with the same drama, the same pains, the same everything. Not that I mind helping people out, I LOVE helping people out. But when I hear the same thing over and over again or I get 5 pages of text that consist of "I'm lonely find me someone to love" it kind of gets a little old. Now, keep in mind that I don't mean to sound insensitive and I don't mean to sound like I don't care because I do. But come ON, guys! We all go through that phase at one point in our lives, and it's time to start sucking it up. 


Another thing. The other day I went to something that wasn't what I wanted it to be. It was supposed to be an innocent gathering of friends, yes? NOPE. Everyone, besides me and one other person, got drunk off of rum. I know it's fun and all, and I'm not saying getting drunk is a bad thing, but all these people know how I feel about drinking and know full well that I don't like being in that kind of an environment. I almost regret even going in the first place, and I would fully except for the fact that while there I connected with someone I hadn't before and he cleared up a lot of things that had been clouding my mind recently, including some things that have to do with my current relationship (which I seem to be fucking up more and more, and I don't know how much longer he can put up with me, and it would suck donkey nuts if we broke up because I love him more than myself). It has become painfully obvious to me that things are changing.


I've become sort of a bitch recently, as you all can see, and I'm not liking it. Maybe it's depression or maybe it's stress or maybe it's just all the random shit that goes through my head, but I've become someone I hate being, and I really don't want to change. With this new bitchy personality of mine I've lost a couple friends and gained more self confidence, and I'm not being weighed down by everyone else's petty drama. I've been saying a lot of things and maybe even doing a lot of things that I instantly regret, but I'm finding it more and more simple to just forget I did them. Along the lines of school, my grades have plummeted once again, I am now failing two classes. I've connected this to the fact that my life is constantly changing, moving and marriage and more moving and fighting with friends. The one constant place I have right now is my boyfriend's house, and I have a feeling that his parents and my parents both are getting tired of me being there all the time. 


It's times like right now that I realize what I've been doing to myself lately, and it isn't good, to say the least. I haven't been eating right, or sleeping right (I wake up every night sometime between 2 and 3:30 in the morning and stay up until at least an hour after without fail), I shower every three days now because I don't even care that much anymore, and the one thing that has stayed constant throughout all this is suddenly faltering a little. I'm bottling everything up inside and not really telling people what's bothering me because there are worse things in the world than a bitchy sister and a life that feels like it's being tossed around in a treasure chest full of thorns. I don't know who to go to for help with all this for an outside opinion, because I want someone who won't WORRY about me. I like it when people notice but honestly when people are constantly worried about  me it kind of gets on my nerves. I want someone to tell me how to fix it without caring what happens to me or my relationships, someone who doesn't know how my mind works or what I'm doing at school or at home and someone who won't freak out if I tell them I'm done living. To put it quite simply, I need someone who doesn't give a flying fuck about me.


So this is the conclusion to my rant. With one last final thought I close my laptop and go to bed. Whenever I have a mental breakdown around my boyfriend I don't want him to see. This is what my  mind does. "Just a little bit longer and then he'll be gone, you just have to hold on a little while longer." However, as soon as he's gone, my mind reverses directions completely and starts screaming, "I want him back here so bad.. I just need to curl up in his arms and everything will be fine." Instead I resort to plan b. Drugging myself up so that I can fall asleep. 2-3 sleeping pills and a glass of water, no food. Perhaps I'm not destroying everything around me so much as destroying myself instead in the hopes that everything will go back to normal.